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Archive for the ‘Made Up Things/Places’ Category

I just realized why modern medicine will always fail

December 31, 2011 Leave a comment

It will fail because it is newer than us. Humans have been around forever. Medicine hasn’t. It’s like trying to install updates for a new computer on an old one. The updates were only made for new computers, so they just don’t work. If anything, it just makes problems worse by confusing two separate time periods and intermingling them. It’s like if you tried to find a place for cavemen in our society. It would just bungle things.

If you tried to sedate a dinosaur, it would not work because the sedative would be newer than the dino by far. If you could replace dinosaurs and medicine’s places in the scheme of existence, maybe by time travel or just by shifting the conceptual usages of their forms, you couldn’t inject the sedative with a dinosaur either.

And what of animals we can sedate? Animals like horses and cats? They know this Earth better than us. They’re just showing us that by becoming sedated because they already know about future technology so it works on them.

It’s all futile.

The Boylet!??!

September 1, 2011 Leave a comment

The boylet is a lot like the toilet, except it is a massive ceramic dildo. When it is time to evacuate, the person sits on the curved tip of the boylet and allows it entry into their anus. A slit in the tip–powered by a massive suction–collects and removes all fecal matter. The boylet patron then pisses on the floor.

“Use a boylet. It will be cleaner.”

Righty Tighty, Lefty Hefty

June 20, 2011 Leave a comment

You turn a screw to the right, it gets tighter. You turn a screw to the left, it gets heavier. First of all, you can never take a screw out, and that sucks. Still, I have always thought that “righty lighty” might be better than tighty, but whatever. Now I have this ridiculously tightly screwed, ridiculously fucking heavy pocket knife I wanted to clean. Nobody will ever steal it at least… because it weighs 50 fucking pounds!

Important Dump Cam Idea

April 28, 2011 Leave a comment

So yeah, we all need to buy up some land and make a dump. My idea is to start a website called “Dump Watch,” which will be a way to watch a series of strategically placed webcams set up through out our dump. The webcams will only operate a few hours a day, so you’ll have to get on according to the week’s schedule for it to work. By filling out surveys and watching a lot of the dump, you can unlock new dump cams which allows you to earn prizes, like fish eye on the dump cam. It will be really popular with children, because they’ll want to collect all dumps, and they’ll want to go to the actual dump and visit it, probably so they can be famous for having been on the dump cam. A glimpse of you taken on a rarer or harder to earn dump cam would be worth a lot.

We are going to be so fucking rich. Once we’re super rich, we can focus on community projects like “Kids at the Dump,” where kids can volunteer around town to earn Dump Dollars which can be redeemed for more cams. We can make it so that if a cam sees another cam, the people looking through the cam you’re seeing can receive friendly messages from you that are able to be picked from a pre-determined list.

Different piles in the dump can be named after the stuff that’s in them. “Pizza Land” for instance, which would be like, any food really. You can’t just have a pizza pile. Although I guess you could have bonus piles of any size that could be seen through collectible cams. Like one that is just trash written out to spell “I SEE YOU” as a joke.

Asparaguana – That Creature Thing

April 9, 2011 Leave a comment

Asparaguana: A forest reptile famous for the fanning leaves which sprout from its backside. When ingested, these leaves have a calming effect. The Asparaguana’s legs are quite easily broken, as they are made from brittle plant stalks that taper off into small feet. The Asparaguana has some amount of trouble walking thanks to its limited balance, and it’s often not long into the creature’s life before one of its plant stalk legs break. The breaks in these stalks continuing growing off from each of their split ends. As a result, most Asparaguana’s end up with their stalks growing in so many different places, and in so many different directions, that they are immobilized completely by what eventually becomes a ball of stalks beneath them. Alternatively, and almost equally common, the stalks grow up and around them, leaving them inside the ball and completely motionless.

Asparaguana: A forest reptile famous for the fanning leaves which sprout from its backside. When ingested, these leaves have a calming effect. The Asparaguana’s legs are quite easily broken, as they are made from brittle plant stalks that taper off into small feet. The Asparaguana has some amount of trouble walking thanks to its limited balance, and it’s often not long into the creature’s life before one of its plant stalk legs break. The breaks in these stalks continuing growing off from each of their split ends; a problem for the creature. As a result, most Asparaguana’s end up with their stalks growing in so many different places, and in so many different directions, that they are immobilized completely by what eventually becomes a ball of stalks beneath them. Alternatively, and almost equally commonly, the stalks grow up and around them, leaving them inside the ball and completely motionless.

Many Asparaguana’s starve to death, although some have been known to suffocate or bleed to death as a result of the asparagus bronchioles in their lungs. These bronchioles have a low pressure resistance, and they are known to bust in the proximity of rapid air pressure changes, such as during a thunderstorm, or near a windmill. These asparioles, during a common break (and not a total pressure collapse) have a tendency to grow up and outside of the lungs after splitting, often piercing the heart or brain of the creature.

If the leaves on the Asparaguana’s back are picked, the creature is quick to become agitated and easy to scare. If left alone, they remain in a state of contentedness, which may help to prevent Balled Up Syndrome, or Circle Death.